I will die if light touches me.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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