Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
