Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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