I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
