I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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