Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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