billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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