you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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