Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
