No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
