i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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