We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
