if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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