Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize