when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize