planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
