getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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