Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
