the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
