I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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