before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
