Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
