You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize