fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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