My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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