I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
