i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
