so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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