She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
