shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
