Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
