you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
