i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
