totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
