Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
