woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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