What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
