I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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