he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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