your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
