Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
