I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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