The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
