I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
