I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
