at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
