A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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