I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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