Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
