I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
