How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
