sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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