he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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