So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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